errr now i've gone and done it... not 100% but two tests both showed 1 strong and 1 faint line.  yes, if you hadn't guesses pregnany tests.

my children are the only decent thing i have done with my life but 3 is enough. my wife kept pushing for another till eventually i gave in and left it up to fate. i wouldn't swap my children for the world but i don't know if i have enough emotional room for another one. i already feel that i don't give my children enough now let alone with a baby on the scene. my eldest two are 13 and 12 (both girls), we really should be focusing on doing what we can to help them through what is going to be an interesting few years for them. of course i told my wife all of this and much more but still she had her heart set on it.

this is completely avoiding the question of how the fuck are we going to afford it. to be honest our mortgage is tiny compaired to any one from a city but still our income/s aren't that flash either. i say income/s as my wifes job finished up about a week ago, she hasn't started seriously looking yet either. mine is also looking a little shakey as i don't have the ability to sweet talk and basically lie that is needed to be a sucessful salesman, plus i think the customers can tell i don't like my job. if i belived in the product maybe, but i don't and i can't convince myself otherwise no matter how hard i try. to be honest i had a feeling that she would fall pregnent as i could see our financial position getting worse. murphy's law and all that.

what has this to do with cars... well, as it is, getting $ to spend on them is harder than pulling teeth. time i could make if i turned this bloody computer off, on a day off, no chance of late as marnie always seem to be able to fill up my days (plus my headspace hasn't been the best so i sleep a lot when i get hte chance). the masicist (sp?) in me says you may as well flog the lot off, what chance do you have of finishing it now? even though it is the only thing that keeps me semi sane at the moment.

i'm sure that (if it proves to be true) i will wonder how i could have ever thought this, but at the moment i'm freaking out. i'm sure almost every father reading this will remember that moment of panic after they found out, even if they had been trying for years. the "oh shit, i've done it now. this is a life time comitment thing". i can't even do "the make it all go away" trick and hide for a few hours in an alcohol induced haze, on sit and chain smoke, pipe dreaming etc.

i don't smoke, drink or do drugs any more... i tried too long to play peter pan and realized it was well past time i stoped all of that. nothing but cold hard reality for me. i can't even pipe dream about vw's to destract myself.

i think i just had one of those moments of clarity. our children are marnies hobby, that is why she wants another so desperatly. they are how she spends her time and what she does to make herself feel good/enjoy herself when she is at home.

wish me luck all.